The 13th Apostol

Apostol's Home For Imaginary Friends

Nope, that didn't work either.

I really could give a flip about anyone else.  I'm sorry,and I'm sure this will pass someday soon...or not. The point is, I only care about my own personal hell at the moment.

The days of getting all fired up for a cause, like say, St.Baldrick's Day , are just a thing of the past folks.  I'm grateful you all are out there, cheering me on, and I do know the chemical  imbalances will balance right back out once I get my GIANT ass up out of this chair and moving again.

That motivation though...she's a tough no?

Posting feels like childbirth...it's going to hurt like hell, but only for a while. 

Hey that reminds me, it's almost time for "Foster's Home For Imaginary Friends" !

There's even a Blog the production crew started...and abandoned sometime in October, but Al doesn't have to know that.

I love this cartoon. The kid in the show Mac, reminds me of Al, like when he just looooks at me after I've told him he can't set fire to the cat. ( Blink, blink.)

Or,  when he refuses to come into the grocery store with me and I have to park right in front in the handicapped space with the doors locked and the engine running because it's 15 degrees...the looook he gives me as I'm standing there with groceries,  mouthing "Unlock the flippin' door" (Blink, blink.)

Precious.

Situational vs. Seasonal vs. Clinical

The fact remains,  if I had some money in the bank and a job to go do every morning...I most likely wouldn't be so depressed.
Hence my staunch refusal to engage in any pharmaceutical solutions...yet.

We are a country of medicated mothers, eating seratonin reuptake inhibitors, rather than getting angry enough to do something about our circumstances.

We stuff (eat cherry sours) those angry feelings instead of expressing them, which results in depression, which brings me back to the previous sentence.

Why aren't we allowed to get angry about the unacceptable? Why?

It's not OK, most of us only get two choices as single mothers:

Abandon our children to Daycare or live below the poverty level on Public assistance.

Not Ok. Unacceptable...DEPRESSING in fact.

Why aren't single mothers banding together with each other, rather than seeking out men who will repeatedly fail them as saviors?

Why aren't we networking with each other, instead of relying on an inadequate male dominated system to come through for us? Huh?

Why are so many of us told throughout our lives "You can't do that" and have chosen to believe the lies, the propaganda keeping us dependent?

When women such as myself get tired of believing the lies, maybe then things will start to change, at least on a very personal level.

I have chosen to stay single, to do it alone rather than face yet again the inevitable abandonment that results from turning a lover into a savior. I'm not there yet, not nearly arrived.

I'm competent, capable of building my own marketing/advertising firm from the ground floor up, more than able, more than willing, but...but...but...

What is it about my generation, raised by depression era parents who, although meant well, sent me the message I was to remain dependent?

What I pray for today, is nothing like I prayed for 10 or 15 years ago...today, my prayers out, far exceed answers in. Yet I ask anyway, for self assuredness, a mentor in physical form, the ability to stay true -  in the face of a world determined to eradicate my heretic ways.

DEPRESSION: Contributing Factors for Women

• Isolation
• Poverty
• Fundamental Christianity
• Lack of (enjoyable) time to ourselves
• Exhaustion(mental, physical, spiritual)

Solution:

When I find it I'll let you know.

Yet ANOTHER Disorder

If this Seasonal Effective crap doesn't let up soon I'm going to become Bulimic again.
At least then I felt good about the consequences.

I mean I'm too depressed to even go to the tanning salon. Hello? If you know me you know this this is serious. My gut is so big from eating candy , I can't curl up in the fetal position when I type. Sick.

Sick, depressed tan-orexic woman. Whatever, who cares.

I want a camera .
And a notebook .

So I can take pictures of my candy-gut, upload them on flickr, and have a REASON to be depressed.

I hate Valentines Day too, just you know, in case you were wondering.

Snappy, but not on My Blog

The other way to search .

Love the tool,  in fact yesterday was consumed by "Snapping."

I just can't handle any more code on this stupid blog, there's just no way, engines pant as they roll my way. It's sick.

 

Blessed be the Pillows

I'm still here, I've just been busy...

...using a lint brush to vacuum the carpet in my office.

I don't even know what that sentence means.

I'm going back to bed now.

At least there I don't have to fake smile for my pillows.

(who would rather be in a sleazy motel room underneath polyester and a Trucker, than listen to me ululate one more night.)

The pillow's version.

Faulty Baptism = Depression

I discovered Blue Voda ...that's where I've been riding out the storm. Check it out.

I have also discovered I'm depressed. I have little to no interest in my stupid blog, little to no interest in my kid, little to no interest in anything I previously found interesting.

I've gained five pounds since I got "Fired" don't do anything, see anyone, or care to.

Cry all the time, eat candy all day, have no hope for the future. I'd have to say I'm depressed, I mean, you don't need a DSM IV to figure this one out.

Someone gave me a reality check on my life, my writing, everything...it was like "Yeah, and you can't support your kid writing in a blog...you need a real job."

WTF?

Why didn't anyone tell ME this? See, I'm just crazy enough to believe I can, to believe I'm a decent writer, to believe that, given enough time and the right alignment of planetary beings, it could somehow work.

Just because I can't see how, doesn't mean it can't come to fruition.

So, whatever...I gave up. On this, on me, on him, on everything...I'm just too sensitive I guess.

It's now snowing again, big, fat, wet snowflakes. The kind we had as kids, the kind that hurt as they crashed into your eyes. Yes snow, and not just my memory of it, has changed in 30 years. Global warming leaves it's mark in the oddest of places... on my back patio, under Sister Cottonwood.

What makes me angry now, has always made me angry. I just express it in different ways. My depression has worsened due to finding out the truth regarding something I knew intuitively, but needed noetic confirmation.

My Dad used to say "The two biggest money makers are Organized Religion, and Crime."

God is not the church.
The question I asked a while back was "Why can't I feel it?" Relating to an auditorium of a thousand, in "worship"...what is wrong with me that  I cannot raise my hands,  filled with the holy spirit?

Was I Baptized improperly? Have I not been saved correctly? Are my tithes insufficient? What's wrong with me?

Why can't I feel it?

I tried harder, because that's what I do when I think it's somehow my fault. I gave more money, I joined a group, volunteer.

One year ago, I professed myself an Atheist. Six months ago I was Agnostic. Three months ago I was Baptized in the name of The Father, The Son, and The Holy Spirit.

However...I am still a Free thinking tree hugger at the core. Still very much a border line radical Feminist, who absolutely will not accept oppression of any kind.

Life with me is tiring.

Me, me, me, me, me, me, me..............Me!

I hate this post. (me again)

Day 5

Day 5... buzzards are circling...they're wearing little parka's...and Uggs.

Cabin Coma

Looks like snow.

It's ice... didn't snow a single flake.

Not much detail, since I'm using the crappy camera on my phone again.

But hey, Al has a PSP !

If you have an old digital camera you want to donate, send it my way...and a laptop. A  laptop would be good.

The Cabin fever is making me delirious.

I Don't Feel so Badly Now...the whole State's a Disaster Area

With the biggest, and potentially damaging ice storm since January of  '02 currently pelting the state, I've spent the last 48 hrs doing the survivalist crap ingrained in me since birth.

I took $225.00 worth of clothes back to J.Crew (No, the cat doesn't want out, that's me whimpering) and purchased the following "Staples" as my Dad called them... how many of you thought they were referring to the little metal thingamabobers?

• Enough "C" batteries to last till Spring. (because the lady in front of me was)

• Six gallons of distilled water. (What ARE  those metal thingy's that go over the little holes under your house for?)

• 14 of Michaels Holiday scented 22oz. Jar candles at $0.97 a pop. (Sorry Yankee)

• 100 unscented tea lights (don't want to ruin the scent of a bargain!) to put in the 100 glass votives from Craig's Emporium I couldn't bring myself to throw away when I was through burning them... Ah Ha, See!)

• Economy size jar of Folgers instant coffee.  (Forgive me Father, I know not what I do)

• Bag of Starbuck's Sumatra.  (it was on sale next to the Folgers)

While I always enjoy a good disaster, I have to draw the line when it involves, well... my child.

 

 

Get on Your Horse and Ride

Al just entered my office, right hand raised as if to "Testify" ( fundamental not legal), and exclaimed:

"Only the most popular  movie EVER to be on Disney in the history of television is getting ready to come on... (pregnant pause as I look over my glasses) 'Wendy Woo - Homecoming Warrior!

Genetics crack me up.

I have stumbled across an ex-boything whom I nearly drove mad with lies and innuendos during our brief, but passionate time together.

"I have terminal cancer, your cheating on me...don't leave me", or something to this effect.

I was a spoiled rotten child, demanding more of my share  of everything. Life had yet to deal me some whopping blows. Blows that would forever change my outlook on relationships and people. I hurt him.

He blogs. Aparently, he's still a bit miffed with me, hmmm.

I have a job interview at 8:45, for a company that sells, get this: Meat products. Wholesale.

Someone has to sell meat.

P.T. Barnum Said it Best

Ok, I'm over it now. You shant hear a single additional utterance regarding my self-inflicted poverty, loss of self-worth. Yes, the self-worth that's wrapped up in money, that self-worth.

Nor shall you hear me commiserate, in an upbeat fashion no less, concerning my lack of motivation to rectify said self-inflicted poverty.

Shock and Awe, Chaka Khan, it's all the same to me.

Some of the best salespeople in the world are bipolar...

P.T. Barnum  for instance,  bipolar as the day was long. 

Although the link regarding Mr. Barnum's mental health seems to have been removed by the editors, I assure you my friends,  this is in fact very much the truth.

Ted Turner  the founder and creator of CNN, has publicly acknowledged that he too suffers from bipolar disorder and has been treated with Lithium. (holy crap)

Napoleon Bonaparte ...self-explanatory.

And while I'm fully aware certain grandiose thoughts might be placing me along side these bigger-than-life individuals, I'm also aware of my, of each of our, potential greatness.

Fact: I am who I believe myself to be, thus causing others to do likewise.

Fact: People respect strength, not aggression.

Fact: If you change the way you feel about yourself, others will follow.

Fact: If you use glitter graphics on myspace, you fall into one of two categories.

1. You are a die-hard Wal-Mart shopper.

2. Your a newbie, and don't know any better.

I hate Wal-Mart. Never shop there.

2+4=8

Did I mention I'm awful with math? Maybe it wasn't $3500, maybe it was more like $1500, but the point is I was irresponsible as hell, and I abandoned my passion to chase money. Money! I sold out.

It hurts. I spent a year dedicated to this blog, building my writing, relationships, creative connections...all to sell out for crappy money. It'll take some dedication and commitment to build it back up.

My Squidoo rank is like 24,000!

I betrayed my heart.

Cutting My Losses

I'm convinced I'll never  have a traditional job in my life. Even as untraditional as this last one was...someone still wanted control over me.

There are those who can and will take direction well, I'm not one of them. 

I got manic, and went through $3500 in just over a month...on nothing. Well, that's untrue, I did Christmas for Al, went nuts on lights for the house, and supported Starbucks regularly.

The whole Bi-Polar thing was made so much worse by the physical exhaustion, little sleep, food, working 6 days. Then I get fired for my grandiose shit. She was just waiting for a reason. I wont focus on her crap, she's a 27-year-old idiot.

Really, who came out on top? You, or the 27-year-old idiot?

I should call her. That place wears on anyone. See? See what I'm doing here? I'm trying to fix shit that's not mine to fix.

She screwed me over. End of story.

The thing though, the thing that makes it all very cool is this:

I consistently, single handedly beat the Tulsa stores sales, week after flippin week.

How was I doing THAT? I just kept selling an amazing 9 out of 10. Now it's over, I don't know what line of sales to take this to, what would be most lucrative, what might help recover that $3500 asap?

I'm a snake oil salesman. I know it, live it, breathe it, love it.

The people. YOU, I love you, all of you, because we are the same. Once we realize this, anything is possible.

Yeah, butt...

Me and the holy freakin spirit, made Happy Freakin Feet $50,000 in just over a month...

The little twit fires me 2 days before Christmas, taking with her not only two weeks of pay...but the alleged bonuses I'd been working 60+ hours a week towards.

Now I stare at this monitor, waiting for it to do something.

Wait! Did you see that?

Soon

To both of you left reading:  I promise you I'm going to start writing about "It" soon.

Mending now, gathering my thoughts, a few feelings, and a shred of hope for the future.

Al is all right, so how bad can it be? Oh...not good, not good at all, said the ifish  (burble burble)

Why?

Yes, yes I'm still alive. And no, I've not been in Denver or Albuquerque.

Be a good excuse though now wouldn't it?

OMG, I've been buried alive in Albuquerque!