The $5.50 Nap

I slept through Harry Potter.
Took the kids, because I'm super-human mama, to the one o' clock showing at Penn Square yesterday, and sometime during the previews fell fast asleep.
This is a sure sign I'm just completely exhausted, feeling like I'll never get us moved all by myself.
If it weren't for seeing Texasgurl firmly planted in London, I 'd have a doubt or two I could make it across the housing edition.
I think I'm just so drained from all of this, the chaos of having your home in shambles, not knowing where anything is, and having to keep this stupid smile on my face for Mer-boy...

Maggie tagged me to play, but... I've forgotten HOW to play.

So last night, The Mer stayed the night at Sidney's house next door. I was alone and my mind started to do that thing it does when it's alone...
What if I had a wonderful man to do this with? What if I didn't have to do it all myself, the moving, the raising of the child?
What if, I could feel excited about life, feel passion again? What if I wasn't so exhausted I got to see the movie too?

Then, because this is what happens when I'm alone with the "What if's"...I began to cry... and cry, and cry, and cry, until my pillow, because I'd taken my melodrama upstairs by this point, was sopping wet, and the cat was looking at me strangely.

Then, I was crying because I don't have the money to color my hair, and the gray is far more of an issue now than just roots.
Then, I've been running again for over a week now - and see no difference in the fit of my clothes...A WEEK.
Then, I knew I'd made a terrible decision about the new house - it was the wrong one.
Then, the reality I'll never have another child. I'm POST menopausal at 42.

How can I be buying a home, if I can't afford to COLOR my HAIR.
How can I be doing this all by myself?
How, will I ever get on top of my demons long enough to see the universe as it truly is?
Without myself, at the center.

Comments

[Jonathan]

You write the most amazing blog posts sometimes.

This one really made me wonder about how I deal with the world (or don't as I seem to think). As you know, we are getting towards the end of the adoption process, so could very well be saying the same things very soon.

It's going to be scary as hell, but hopefully worth it in the end too.

[texasgurl]

raising children is hard, hard, hard, and moving is stressful, stressful, stressful. I hadn't really cried in years before this move, and it brought me to tears more than once. I also remember lamenting my inability to buy ANYTHING around the time I bought my first house, and how scary that felt. you're going to get through it. you are, and the other side will be much better.

and, for what it's worth, I like your hair.

[Maggie]

Hang in there. You are tougher than you give yourself credit for. Like Stef said, little by little, you'll make it happen.

[Stef]

You are doing the right thing, sometimes it seems overwhelming. I've been there in a round about way. How are all these things going to get done? Take things slow, one at a time. That way it's not so overwhelming. That works for me, and believe me, my life is NOT perfect. Far from it!

And about your grey hair-- I haven't died my hair in 8 months, by choice. I have way more grey hair than I ever thought I had! The money for that will come with time. Get settled in the new house first, then worry about your hair. You can't tell it in photographs, to me it looks like highlights.

:)