As I sit here at my humble little printer table, amidst the trickling of the pools ever-running filtration system (does it stop in the winter?) the sound of the inner city blended with the inter urban wildlife...I have to ask myself how this all happened, how we came to be vagabonds and gypsies, my nine-year-old boy and I?
My candles haven't stopped since we arrived in late August, collecting the empty "store Bought" containers under the galley sink...until latest of late, deciding to try Craig's Emporium's new wicking process. They do stay lit this year!
I am tired, but not exhausted of the thrill that is Gypsydom...perhaps in our blood, we are truly fine wherever we are, as long as we have each other. The past apart having made us strong in spirit, deep characters we are, blood red band of rovers.
The news on the house is not good.
Having held the company of a contractor from Community Action Agency yesterday afternoon. A fine gentleman by the name of David, sent by my Lender to asses the situation at hand.
David was kind, calling me "Ms." and not "Dumbass" which I truly appreciated after hearing his assessment of my home. Yes, the asbestos is a problem, but not nearly as big a problem as the lead based paint chipping all over the house.
As David so kindly put it "Asbestosis is an old mans disease, Lead Poisoning is a Young persons disease"...see what I mean? So kind.
I had to leave kind David to get The Mer from school, he stayed to take measurements.
His solution: Containment. Frame out the entire house.
Unfortunately this is a MAJOR renovation and takes money I don't have. In the mean time I suspect my Lender is trying to figure out if the house, and I, are even worth it.
Kind David explained to me why he was so angry about what he saw.
The very individuals who's job it is to protect me, failed to do so.
I had no way of knowing this at the time, having never bought a home before.
Everything looked fine...on the surface rather, everything looked fine.
So here we sit The Mer and I, Fall Break is upon us already. FALL BREAK...How? What? I, I, I, I am at such a loss for prophetic words, There is no way to express the utter disappointment I feel . No way. So I wont. I just wont.
Our home, the one we left standing on 44th street, has been reduced to the price she offered it to me at. The way things turn. My boy, that bright-eyed little guy so full of energy, who would run out the front door hollering "I'm going to Sydney's"...is depressed, despondent, all those things I too feel, only on a child's level, unable to express except in deep heaving sobs into my arms and by perhaps penning "Mrs C is the B word" in his journal.
Our new home was going to ease the grief and loss of the old home.
I think too often about how money, and the acquisition of money makes this world unbalanced and full of turmoil. External and Internal. Personal and professional. Spiritual and non-spiritual. How if I had been able to purchase our "Home", the difference this would've made in my sons life TODAY and TOMORROW. How by the time her house does sell, she may have had to reduce it to what I could've afforded, but greed and self-riotousness, made her indignant toward me.
As she blames me for the house not selling, I too want someone to blame for the misfortunes of the last year/months/month. However it's not about guilt and blame. It's about accountability. ACCOUNTABILITY people.
I will pay the full mortgage amount if I have to, but I will NOT endanger my son.
Accountability.
I will pay for repairs needed as the deed-holder of the property in order to make it safe enough for The Mer to live and thrive there, however long it takes.
Accountability.
What others do or don't do, is not within my power to control. I'm pretty torn up over all this, don't get me wrong. I have to hold it together for The Mer though, he looks to me as of late, as if taking cues from a Director in a Primary school version of "West Side Story", but honestly...I can't remember whether Tony was a Jet or a Shark, and given my most recent track record, don't know if I should let anyone take cues from me Specifically Mer-Boy.
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