If you Speak, Make Sure it's From Experience

It's 6 a.m.
I should be in the shower, but I'm here. A place I feel safe, because we all know the fucking shower isn't safe for someone like ME.
Why is it I think I'm special, unique somehow to life's adversities?

I'm furious at myself for being such a hack over Marc, for not being able to write, for giving up the only thing that made my life bearable, for buying a stupid iphone, (which I'm selling if anyone's interested - cheap, cheap) for...oh Christ I'm such a whiner.

I'm tired of hurting, inside and out.
Tired of having to do this all on my own, and nothing has changed except I feel it all, all the fears and anxiety I didn't feel for three years I feel again.

The Mer needs a mother who can do life unaltered, but fucking happy...I am NOT that woman today. I know the solution, I know it's about surrender, about throwing in the towel AND the car. I also know what will happen if I don't, but the very last thing I want or need is someone who has no experience in my particular situation, telling me what I should be doing.

Sorry. I quit hopping from one man to another when I became a mother.
Oh I've tried a few times, but the last one kicked in my back door and held me hostage for three hours until I convinced him I loved him and wouldn't go to the cops.
So I have made a conscience choice NOT to jump from one man to another to take care of me.

I imagine financially it might be easier if I did, but it would destroy my son.
One day I'd wake up and my teenage son wouldn't want a thing to do with me, or he'd be doing the relationship dance himself. No, I'll wait, wait until I can do it on my own two feet, then and only then will the man I'm with be an equal and not a rescuer.

Nuff said.

Comments

[Stef]

Amen!

I can't wait for a man to "rescue" me. It's all on me. So I know where you're coming from there.

However...

I've not had the same exact experiences you've had. All I can offer at this point is friendship.

Stay strong. I know you can do it! :)