I had so completely meant to post every day, with all my heart I did..those INTENTIONS haunt me everywhere, every turn of a corner I make brings ruthless, deep seated anxiety, again I will fail...then, then they will all know me for the phoney I truly am.
Life has been challenging to say the absolute least since the first of the year, with one seemingly catastrophic event after another. Key word 'seemingly', because these are merely life events, nothing anyone else isn't experiencing. Mine just appear exacerbated by my most recent adjustment in chemical assistance, or lack there of.
Getting off pain killers is hard.
The pain medication was used therapeutically...right up until it wasn't. In all honestly until December. Even then it was used in a manner to control pain, not get f'd up.
The pain is from a Tumor in my spinal sheath called Schwannoma. It's the worst at night, making sleeping unbearable, which makes every other aspect of my life unbearable. No sleep plus chronic intractable pain equals ...a crazy person.
It feels as if everything is burying me right now, and I wish my dad were here to somehow make it better. He ALWAYS knew what to say or do to make life not feel so ominous. He gave me strength through mom's suicide I never knew i had, even after caring for her with him those last long ten years of her life, while Alzheimer's wracked her spirit and wasted her body like a common cancer patient...she was still his wife. He stayed till the end because heroes don't leave their one true love, just because they leave them.
The mer's dad DID sell the van, but rather than give me, the ADULT the money, he went and paid part of storage with it, leaving me without a way to cover the numerous checks I'd written to buy gas and groceries necessary to care for his child. I'm now, over $500 overdrawn at the bank, in addition to being so far behind on utilities I'll have no choice but to default on the payment arrangements made last month.
How long does a man expect the mother of his child to carry the entire load? Even more important, how long will I continue to allow the man to use The Mer's love for him as a way to manipulate me? He has used me up over the last six months, while I've jumped at every opportunity to make money. From scrubbing toilets, to retail ops, so he could spend time with Mer while I was working odd jobs.
On Valentines night I worked a nine hour shift in really bad pain. The mall had been a mad house of "Oh shit, I gotta get a "Thing" fast!"
i pulled up in my driveway after I closed, and didn't want to go inside...really didn't want to go inside and see Mer, because I knew I'd have see him too.
So I sat in the car, smoked three f*ing cigarettes, and prayed my ass off for the man, for his health, wealth and prosperity. As soon as I felt strong enough, I exited my vehicle and approached my home.
I could see through the massive windows, every light I had was burning, including the light on the ceiling fan which, you guessed it, was on too. He was in he back of the house on Mer's computer, while Mer was stoned on TV, positioned less than a foot from the screen and had not been fed, nor had any attempt at homework been made. The man has, at 46, never paid a bill in his entire life. All I could muster was "Please say your goodbyes and leave my home now"...all of a sudden it was crystal clear.
I have a vehicle with a rear main seal leak that finally gave out on me today.
Over $1,000 in debt in just three months of letting this creep suck on us
I have no family left to turn to at any moment of financial need...so I've done it all myself, and Internet, I can't do it anymore.
I quit.
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