I had a conference with The Mer's teacher yesterday.
Her side of the street aside...
Why is it so hard for me to say "I was wrong"? I mean, I eluded to it, but that's so not the same as owning your shit.
Everyone, and I mean everyone, is doing the best they can with what they have to work with at this very moment. I believe this to my core, I always have.
Could I handle a class of 30 kids?
I didn't have to be an ass, I didn't have to lose my temper with the art teacher, I didn't have to lose my patience with the secretary...but I did, and I might again if I don't start making some serious changes in my attitude and outlook on life.
The Mer and I are extremely lucky to have him in a school like that...EXTREMELY LUCKY. They have done for him what no other school I know of could have done, and here I am being the biggest shithead of them all.
The truth is, I haven't felt like I had anything to offer the school, like I was this single, broke, dysfunctional mother, who had nothing to contribute...pretty much true. I made futile attempts and felt like a total loser (true again, the futile part)
The Mer has been more of an adult in his ability to be teachable this year, than his mother.
I'm not condoning how this situation with Mer has been handled by the staff, what I am saying is this: They are over crowded, stressed out, UNDER paid in relation, and using all their resources to make the school and it's students a unique learning experience FOR ALL...not just my precious angel.
Every Tuesday and Thursday I watch Mer's after school contemporary dance class practice. The instructor is gifted, the children are engaged, and I, I am humbled by my sons ability to be "a part of". Something I myself have forgotten how to do.
Last Thursday after we left class, Mer asked me what a "G" was?
Being the brilliant wit I am replied "what comes after F and before H"...
"No mom", he hissed, "so and so keeps saying he's a "G"...what does it MEAN?"
I tried again to play dumb, forgetting my kids IQ is actually higher than mine (don't go there)
"Honey, I don't know...maybe it stands for "Good Guy", or "Great"?"
"Mom, Blue said it stands for "Gangsta"...is that true, and what's a Gangsta?" (Blue is one of Mer's friends from his previous school and neighborhood - great kid, awesome parents, crappy school) IMHO
This was my moment of clarity regarding Mer's current learning institution. The simple fact he has no clue at almost ten-years-old what a "G" is...tells me something is working in the right direction.
The problem I have, is not having control of my child's education. I feel helpless to change a situation that's affecting all parents and students at his school, not just me and mine. I am powerless to make it better, afraid we have lost what has been such a blessing in our lives, and when I get afraid...I get angry. It all comes back to fear.
I get an opportunity to do things differently today.
For this I am LEARNING to be grateful.
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