The 13th Apostol

HATE ME (I am a Unitarian Universalist)

It has taken me four days to be able to write about the shootings at the Unitarian Universalist Church in Knoxville.

Mer asks "Why Mom?"...

Mer asks "Was he mad at them for being Unitarian's?"...

Mer asks "Was it because there were Gay people there?"...

Mer asks "Was it because we love everyone?"...

Yes, we love everyone...

Since we fear no hell, the acts we do come from a belief in the goodness of humanity. Come from doing the right thing because it is the right thing.

Until you cross that line in the sand.

The majority of my church family believe in the constitution, because we know the values of the individuals who wrote the document.

I am a tree hugger, who will protect my family at any cost.
I was raised to shoot-to-kill and sleep like a baby.
I will "love" you until you threaten the safety of my family.

WE the PEOPLE means ALL the PEOPLE.

I see beauty everywhere I look...why can't you?

HD 87 Andrew Winningham 358 - 51%

Jason Nelson 349 - 49%

Thanks for your support - it was a long, crazy day. I stood out in front of your polling place for hours waving and holding a sign. Unfortunately, it didn't turn out how we hoped, but Andrew knows that he did really well - especially since Jason had $52,000 and we had about $5,000. I think Jason thought it was going to be an easy win - but we made him work for it! Now Jason will go up against Dana Orwig - and that's going to be really difficult for him. A lot of people love her. Take care...Jennifer Winningham

Jennifer and Andrew,
Not only did you do really well, you did amazingly well.
Just remember...one can only spend $52,000 to ask "Who IS Andrew Winningham?" once.

Andrew Winninginham...Puuurfect on July 29th!

Time For a Change of Character

At the request of my conscience and the obnoxious muddy tactics of his running mate...
I have requested my lawn be peppered with as many "Win With Winningham" signs as can be spared. ( in the eleventh hour no less )

I fear if anything is to be done, it will require a change. Not a change of party, for we all truly know who holds the deck, but a change in attitude, a change in the level of willingness.

More like "Winningham is Willing"...for all intents and purposes, he is, and has been.
Stating what he believes in, not what a POS hisrunning mate is.

My personal reaserch has lead me to THIS conclusion:
If each one of us took the time to walk our Neighborhoods, knock on doors, shake our neighbors hands, GIVE them a hand...can you imagine how fast crime stats would drop?
Can you imagine that yard needing mowing you always complain about belonging to a Senior Citizen with diabetic neuropathy?

Andrew Winningham has taken the time to personally get to know hundreds of our neighbors. To talk about their needs, his hopes, and our solutions.

I make every attempt at owning my wrongs, and while some issues may still be in dispute regarding Mr. Winningham's personal life...they truly have nothing to do with who would be a better State Representative for HD 87 in this election.

I STRONGLY urge you to vote tomorrow.
I will be, for Andrew Winningham.

Andrew Winningham vs. (the guy who says nasty things about the afore mentioned individual)

So Mer and I are coming home the other day, and just as we pull up to our house some kid (holding his pants up, no belt, no shirt, sweating, etc..) is run/walking out of our yard from our porch.

Being Clint Eastwood on Estrogen I followed him in my sorta SUV, blocking him in at the Fire Station and saying...(in my best Clint Eastwood voice) "What the hell are you doing?"

He couldn't have been more than 20, but I still think I'm 18 so I was kind of circling him as he walked, he claimed he was using my yard to cut through the neighborhood, and apologized profusely, calling me "ma'am" with his mouth and other things in his head.

The house behind us was vacant, up for sale.
We'd had way too many burglaries in the neighborhood lately.
WHY are you not wearing a belt dude? (I'm not talking style here, the guys pants were falling down K?)
Oh...I just gotta call it in...

Within minutes there was a chopper overhead hovering the house, a policewoman at our front door (the same officer who nearly blew away the gangsters who we had cornered on the side of our house on 44th almost a year ago)

She was in a hurry, we could hear car alarms going off in the distance...then she said "Lock up" and RAN to her cruiser.

I look down, and there was a flyer stuck in my mail slot.
A flier from Winningham's running mate on thick-ass-mill-virgin-CARDBOARD.
OMG!

So this guy, old what's-his-name, runs a liturgy of "Reasons NOT to vote for Winnningham"...and he may have just won the election for him...if the people I know in this area go vote.

Who do these people pay to do their market analysis? Run their ad campaigns?
"Win with Winningham" that...was genius. However, he did clean up his website to further explain the issues at hand. Good move.

So far in the neighborhood I've only seen several party signs in yards...it's just not eco-friendly anymore guys! (next time, spend the money on magnetic bumper stickers)

I will say this: Old Whats-his-name, Winningham's running mate, hasn't placed any vital information on my door other than to attack Andrew Winningham. Everything I've seen from Winningham's opponent has been slander, lies, and innuendo...something akin to... politics.

Nothing has been said about what old whats-his-name will be doing for our district, and we really don't care about where you and your kids go to church dude (OK I don't care)
I just want to know who's going to make a difference? Who's going to do something about the crime? Help us block this entrance into our Addition to stop the speeding traffic so children can play?

I don't care if Andrew Winningham is 25 years old, I don't care WHERE his money comes from, I don't care about anything old whats-his-name said on his virgin CARDBOARD flyer...because he said it in the first place.

I like the fact Winningham didn't come out of the shoot a blue blood Republican.

I like the fact the kid is taking a HUGE risk having never run before.

I like the fact he and Jennifer DON'T have any children yet, it frees them up to move, go, act, think, do, be, etc. All those things you either cannot do, or must slow down to do with small children.

Whats-his-name showed his ass by attacking Winningham similar to the way I did here. (as most of you know I have no problem showing my ass)
Not once have I seen old whats-his-name, not once has he come to my door except to bad mouth his opponent via a vignette of twisted truisms on paper.

I hope that wet-behind-the-ears kid gets elected. I remember the day he was born, how excited Billy was to have a little brother. Every milestone you had, he talked about. "Andy's walking", "Andy's water skiing", etc.

He and his wife have made several attempts at contacting me to "explain" things I said in my previous post. There was never a need to clarify, but I will say I did hold the reigns out of respect for your mom and Billy (who BTW never considered you "Half" anything)

I aspire to be a decent Journalist, why write things that are not true?
However people wish to portray the truth is their business.
I stand by what I write, and if I'm wrong I own it.

Shadowing The Guard

The Flats

Andrew Winninghams Rebuttal

Sorry this didn't get to you sooner, I mistyped your email address when I tried sending this to you the first time.

I just read your recent blog post about me - thanks for your interest in my candidacy, but there are a few misunderstandings that I would like to clear up.
I know of no trust fund that names me as a beneficiary, and I have never received a payment from a trust fund.  My grandfather only died about a year ago, and his estate passed to my grandmother (as far as I know).  My grandmother gave part of the money from my grandfather's life insurance policy to my wife and I, the bulk of which we invested.
I was raised by a single, working mother with limited access to child support - I had a great childhood and went to good schools.
I have been out discussing issues with voters at the doorstep since May.  Yesterday alone, I knocked on over 200 doors.  I wear slacks and a button-down shirt because I take this campaign and the office seriously, and I would like my appearance to reflect that.  If you had a flyer on your door, then you are on my list, and I have knocked on your door twice.
It is unfortunate that you do not appreciate my campaign strategy, but in my experience at the door, people do care that my opponent is a lobbyist, and they do care that his campaign has raised tens of thousands of dollars for our state rep seat.  If it isn't important to you, my website and the other literature I've left on your door explain a bit more about my issue positions.
Which big brother are you talking about?

~Andrew Winningham
(You can certainly call me Andy, also - I started going by Andrew two years ago, so only people I've met since then really call me Andrew, anyways.)

Dear Andy:

You absolutely MUST be prepared for these types of "Interests in your Candidacy" in the political arena.
Your life will become an open book, people will say things that are and are not true...

Are you mature enough NOT to respond when someone blogs about you?
Or better yet, do you care enough to change things? Truly, were so sick of seeing politicians who look like mannequins.

I lived a sheltered life just like you until I was 34 years old. Nary a speeding ticket. Private school education. A privileged childhood I had.
The truth is, it's a long ways from Deer Creek to the hood. From Nichols Hills, to the bowels of the inner city.
I've fought, scraped, and struggled to get my child out of City Housing...without ANY child support. Have you ever seen city housing? I am now a home owner in your district...

Are you not the full grandson of William Morris? (Morris Chevrolet) Deceased now over 20 years, and legalities aside, had a right to what was yours as did your brothers. I doubt your mom had to live in the projects to support you, but we all can't be so lucky.

Who came up with this campaign strategy anyway? Not once on your not-on-recycled-paper-handouts that are littering the neighborhood, did you address one single issue that MATTERS today.

What makes you any different than any other politician (some of which I consider close friends)

What about funding for mental health care? For long term drug and alcohol treatment?
There's no beds available unless you have private pay insurance. People are dying, and all you can come up with is "Don't vote for him, vote for me...because I'm not raising a bunch of money!" Genius.

You know by now I'm not a liberal, but I'll be damned if I support my party when the people in power continue to ignore the thousands of families waiting for housing in the city alone.
You'll push issues aside just like everyone else does once they get elected, because the problems are too big and there's really cool things like having major league teams come live here to address first.

I'll vote for you on one condition. I'll vote for you if you take excellent care of Billy.
Whatever he needs YOU make sure he gets.
YOU be the one to make sure he doesn't end up a statistic. YOU be the one to claim him.

With that said, just be aware there will always be someone out there who knows something about you you don't want them to know.
Be honest about it. Be who you are, not who you think people want you to be, hit the real issues, don't go on statistics (they're highly over rated)
There are very poor people living in your district, elderly people who still can't afford ice storm damage repair, living on a fixed income, too proud to tell a young man and his wife running for office...they live on tuna fish so they can eat with their cat.

Praxis Development's CEO Kory Warr raised the rent on Mayfair Market to intentionally sell out to CVS. The Market used to deliver groceries to our elderly, home-bound neighbors. How do they get their groceries NOW? (He also sold this house w/ a fraudulent disclosure, but because it's in this district does not qualify for rehab assistance)

You are dealing with generations of individuals, you are dealing with renters, multi cultural families, women who have had abortions, who gives a rats ass how many doors you knocked on. Did you attend the Neighborhood Housing Meeting? Churches in your district? Stand outside Jim's Barber Shop, Walgreens, etc. and shake hands?

Try something new...because right now if you asked my 78 yr old neighbor across the street who he was to vote for...he wouldn't know the difference between you and whats-his-name.

Rent a giant balloon bounce, put it up at the elementary school, or Mayfair parking lot (contact Praxis Development of course for permission) and draw ATTENTION to yourself Andy.
Put on a T-shirt and shorts and get out there and talk with "The people"...stop taking the election so seriously, and start taking the issues and the people seriously.

You have to pay nearly $4.00 a gallon for gas just like the rest of us...

NEVER be afraid to do a new trick, it just might land you a career.

Mid Summers Night Faerie Ball '08

Once a year, for one evening only, this Mid Summers Nights Eve on Paseo with a full moon shining down...parents sparkle their children and watch them twirl in the magical moonlight, to New Age sounds and twinkling lights.

This year the venue changed from Tom's old church lawn, to...a vacant parking lot in order to accommodate the growing crowds through the years.
The babies, children and animals were just as glorious as ever. Performance from "Once Upon a Stardance Swan" just as amazing thanks to Director and Advocate, Lori Keller.

You see, the wee ones from years past don't quit attending, they just grow up to be more grand a faerie, elf, imp, or magical creature of a warm summers night, than before.

Some of you have been with me long enough to remember when I first started this site. Back in the days of "Lords" and wounded children, wounding children. I don't forget, but I forgive. Mer is something else in his own right.
The wounds of hateful adults go deep in his soul, have carved away his innocence before my very eyes. I trust and make mistakes that cost my child. I do stupid things out of my own pain and loss.

On nights like last night I see Mer's innocence lost more than ever. He has given up and gone to the "Other" side. It hurts too much to be vulnerable in life, hurts too much to trust, to love, to hope, to dream. (either that or he just likes black)

Mer wants to be a baby again, and simultaneously a teenager, which represents freedom in his mind. His walls have become thick as English stone, while I grasp for solutions to make us a "Family" somehow.

My ideas are lost in the reality of this worlds anger and hatred.
Should I have hit Mer too teach him "right from wrong?"
Should I ground him for being a boy?
Should I quit trying completely?

I am told by women who have no children "I spoil my child"
I am told by women who have children "I a don't do enough"
What do I know about raising a boy who had a sister one day then did not?
He wants to play with the little girls, wants to dress up and pretend it's all OK.
It's not "All OK", and to feed a child a line of bullshit like that, is exceptionally unkind and unfair...they know the truth.

All I care about is if Mer is happy, which he is...and is not.

So as I watched those beautiful angels dance with abandon in the moonlight, I said a prayer in my heart they all went home to love and respect, that no one hurt them or stole their innocence, that all things magical and mysterious were good in their lives for as long as the world allowed...
and that someone always protected them.

Mid Summers Night Faerie Ball Year 6 for Mer.

Once again, for the the sixth year in a row...we are heading to the Mid Summer Nights Faerie Ball.

Once again, Mer will dance in the moonlight, dreaming dreams to sacred to share with anyone.
Once again, so many years after we left the hood, Mer barely remembers the way things were, and has no idea how things are to be. (neither do I, but they just keep getting better)

We are happy tonight.

Let him play, be free, dance and move with complete abandon...unlike my childhood.
I want so much for his to be pure, innocent and needing of me less as he grows.

I'll continue to attend The Faerie Ball as able, until funding runs out, or I can't get my wheelchair in all the right places.

Magic, is so rare here.
A thing to be cherished in our heart of hearts.

Hank "Mer-Boy" Aaron

Mer-Boy is getting ready to turn ten-years-old in a few weeks.
I'm going to have a child in the double digits.
He's already pulling away, growing up, just like all those strange faces who peeked into my sarong, or carrier said he would...

He shadows the guards at the pool, he gets to "Officially" be a Jr. Lifeguard when he turns ten.

Has a damn good arm, and loves baseball.

How did it happen that I let him grow up? How did he accidentally slip from my grasp and become so not-a-toddler? No Kisses, no hugs, I miss them so...you have to let him go mama.

You have to let him grow.

Martha! There's a Principled Conservative in the Backyard!

So...I get this flier left on my door as Mer, Syd and I were watching some movie called Cloverfield, or Coverdale, or, I know, I'm an baaad mother...I'd been up since 2:30 the morning before (because sometimes the pain wont let me go back to sleep, this is when I WORK) so the movie just seemed humorous to all of us...I think. Either humorous or two, almost ten-year-olds are scarred for life.

The next morning, that would be yesterday, as were trying to get Syd back to her house and Mer down to Edgemere Park to a Webelo/Cub/Boy Scout cookout...I looked at the flippin flyer stuck to my front door.

Holy Mother of the Political Caucus, Andy (Andrew) Winningham (we used to call him winning-pork because kids are shits) is running for State Rep HD 87!

There's a principled CONSERVATIVE in my backyard!

Here's what Andy Winningham is committed to (other than his trust fund from Gramps) Let's see:

*The Constitution (needs to be updated to include WOMEN, MINORITIES, and CATS)
*Limited Government (isn't that a contradiction)
*Individual Freedom (just hold on Martha)
*Low Taxes (Uh huh)
*Property Rights (You bet your Smith & Wesson)
*Free Enterprise (thank goodness for that trust fund)
*Right of Self Defense (Unless it's DHS knocking at your door)
*Local School Innovation (is your trust fund gonna cover this?)
*Rights of the Unborn (but a second ago you said "Individual Freedom"?)
*10th Amendment (for those of you who don't KNOW the 10th Amendment, it's right here ) written by a good UNITARIAN, and more commonly known as SOVEREIGNTY.

So basically, poor Andy Andrew is all confused (or I am) because all I'm seeing is contradictions and a little rich kid who is making a "Pledge" not to accept campaign donations from special interest group PACs or lobbyists.

In addition to pledging not to spend more than the "Median Household Income" of our district $39,189 (who's income?) quoting: "Why should folks have a State Representative who spends more money on a primary than they make in a year?"

Are womens issues a matter of interest to you Mr. Winningham?
Do you know what percentage of your district are single educated women?
Some with children, some without?
Are you aware of the increase in crime down here by Winningham & Stein?
Are you aware there is no Federal or local housing rehab funding available for your district? For the elderly, the disabled? Huh? Are ya?
Didn't think so.

BECAUSE you, and every other State Representative base their knowledge on statistics (median household income my ASS) rather than human beings, then come up with some SALES gimmick you think will make you like every one of us.

If you want to know the truth, get out of your office, put on a T-shirt and shorts (no one wants to talk to some jerk in a broadcloth and slacks) get your ass out here in the evenings, close your mouth, open your ears and listen.

Then, I really don't care WHAT you spend on your campaign...as long as you get something done. You THINK you're speaking to the masses, but honey you're not.

Maybe 40 yrs ago.

Lets talk about what Grandpa's your money can really do for us...

I drive my son to the other side of town to attend a school that can and will educate him.
I'm paying on two properties in order to accomplish this.
I spend $350 a month in gas (as of last year) to get him there and back every day.
I'm a single mother with no regular child support.
If I use my social to earn an income, I lose my state medical coverage.
I'd spend $3000 a month on prescriptions alone if I had to pay out of pocket because of my son's medical condition.
My 89 yr old next door neighbor spends more than that, lives alone, doesn't own a vehicle and has owned her house for 45 yrs.
We both need work done on our homes, but can't afford it, and don't qualify for assistance because we "make too much money" and don't live in "The Hood".

If your going to Represent, then you better get a clear idea of ALL the people, not just the statisticians interpretation of.

...and call your big brother, he loves you.

Fantasy or Reality?

Briefly,

Friends respond to invitations to do things with them,
not call you and tell you all the things they've done with others.

Friends hold your secrets safe in their heart,
not share them as "Juice" to get attention from others.

Friends love you through the bad times even more,
not blow you off because you're bat-shit crazy.

Friends tell you the truth,
not what they think you want to hear.

Friends share their children, their lives, their losses, their triumphs...
Friends reciprocate the love, which is an action, between.

Schardein & Co. OKC

I was given an opportunity by "Campbell Company's" advertising Guru Robyn Healy, to visit Oklahoma City's Premier Full Service Salon, Schardein & Company located at 9401 N May. Once for Mer on Saturday, then for myself yesterday.

The first thing you notice upon entering, is the ambiance. Uber cool aesthetics only embellish the warmth of the human beings greeting you at the door. Your senses are gently taken over by all the right colours, music, and lack of noisy tools of the trade.

You sign a guest card, and are immediately announced over a (quiet) loud speaker to your hair muse. Our hair muse this weekend was an accomplished young man named Sean Eckart.

The owner Steve Schardein spares no expense when it comes to his hair muses.
Hand picking his "Family Members", to create the legend Schardein & Co. is fast becoming in across the Midwest as well as Oklahoma City.

Once a week on Tuesday's the salon shuts down between 1:00 and 3:00. No appointments will be set during this time. It's a time of education, demonstration, growth and learning for his muses. From "Life Coaches" coming in from California, to specialized colour technicians. Each week Schardein & Co. gets bigger and better, leaving the competition in the Oklahoma dust.

My muse Sean, did things to my hair no one has ever done before. Using a European coloring system called Goldwell, Sean stained my bleached out chunks a deep husky red. The Goldwell system is unique to any other coloring system used stateside, and due to it's distribution being metric...many colourists shy away from Goldwell's state of the art system. This is what I mean when I say Steve Schardein spares no expense in training his muses. You'll find no label, over-marketed products used in this salon.

Schardein & Co. is like stepping into a New York salon, or better yet, slipping off a hot Parisian street into a Euro salon of utter decadence...brilliant!

Your muse will block out enough time for consultation, get to know your lifestyle, what you like and don't like about your hair (and your life for that matter) with the most positive attitudes you'll ever hear in a salon. No gossip, no back stabbing, no "Talking trash" on other salons or colourists...it's akin to a therapy session, and before your done your thinking about your next visit...

The rinse "room" is a long section of wall, otherwise the salon is one big open space that would bring tears to a Feng Shui masters eyes, where each month the wall is adorned with a different local artists work. Each rinse chair is positioned in direct sight of the wall as your eyes make contact with the artisan's breath of life.

This months featured artist is Amber Malaska Redden, who goes by the name "The Creative Native". Her work is bright, happy, and full of joy, just like Schardein & Co..

Even with back problems, my muse Sean was able to rinse me, massage my neck and scalp, without getting one drop of water in my face...This may not seem like a big deal to you, but with this mop of mine, getting my hair done has always left me feeling as if I'd had the crap beat out of me, then baptized by a Southern Baptist church in Bowlegs Ok.

As we shift from rinse "Room" to styling section, each "Booth" which "Still-floats" in the openness of Schardein's, is distinguishable by individual blow dyers hanging pendulum style from the jet black ceiling. Enabling your muse to pluck it from mid air as needed.

One final thought on Schardein & Co.

I've never felt comfortable enough with a stylist muse, as to give them complete creative control over my crowning glory. I did in this salon.

Sean has found his niche and wouldn't live his life anywhere but Schardein's. He love's what he does and you can tell it by the way he wears those "c-boy" boots. I can't recall hearing one negative word spoken by Sean during the two hours I was in his care. You lose all sense of the outside world, forget any "problems" you thought you had, and simply enjoy being in the moment.

Sean gives all credit to Steve Schardein, and a little lady named Shirley who saw a star and helped it burn bright.

Schardein & Company is fast becoming the salon.

Steve Schardein wants more. More from his crew of stylists, colourists, greeters, and of course clientele.

Bookings are taken two weeks in advance at this point, so treat yourself like you deserve and make an appointment of new beginnings...at Schardein & Co.

You wont be left unsatisfied.

Pam Tinsley Re:

You talk about meeting Pam at a local video place called the video zone she never hung out at a video zone in edmond because there was no such place we used to hang out at a pool hall that was named after one of our very good friends. if you want attention this bad please find it somewhere else Pam was a good friend of mine and I hate to see people say things about her thats not true Pam loved her dad she work for him for years along with her brother throwing papers so saying that she was scared that her dad was going to take her car away is nothing but lies. Please find somewhere else to boost your ego.

Posted by: mike | Sunday, July 06, 2008 at 09:55 PM

Dear Mike person,

Thanks for the eloquent comments. Let me reply by saying:

First, "Video Zone" was in Oklahoma City at May & Wilshire, not Edmond.
Second, I don't use my real name to write on the Net because of safety issues with my son.
Thirdly, you might remember me better weighing in at about 300lbs, but I'm sorry I can't give you my real name because of people like YOU.
YOU obviously didn't know Pam. We met through a guy named "Tarzan" Rick Canter and "Domek" the elder (respectively) and if the truth is too much for people, if you have to make Pam a martyr to live with her actions, then by all means do so. I loved Pam, but the truth is still the truth.

For years I made people like Pam, Robert Jones, Allen Jones, etc. matyrs...but the reality is they did what they did that placed them in the position to be harmed.
Robert drove drunk like a maniac on a consistent basis.

Pam jumped on the back of motorcycles with people she didn't know. "Give me a ride!" was not at all uncommon. If you knew her you knew her behavior.

Maybe if people stopped idolizing the "Missing Pam" and started telling the truth, police could get to the bottom of this shit.

Yes, Pam worked hard for her dad for years, but why? Do you know? I do.

So do your research a little better before you start running your mouth about me Mike, that's what the Internet's for honey.

50th Anniversary Of the International Conference of Young People in AA

Was held right here in OKC this weekend ...and I didn't go :-(
Not that I didn't want to. Oklahoma has been bidding on this conference since at least '90 or '91 that I know of, and finally got it. This was a once in a lifetime event.

My friend Terry Carpenter, who died sober of chronic hepatitis wanted this conference so bad back then...but all we had was some small venues, a water park and western theme park. We sent him to bid even though we knew we wouldn't get it.

Back then, there was no "Bricktown", no "Cox" convention center, no downtown OKC as you see it today, and my friend, a man who pulled me out of the hood named Steve reminded me of that the other day.

I struggle with my anonymity on this website, I'm listed with recovery blogs, but I am and have been a member of "a certain non specific 12-step program" for twenty years. (not claiming continuous sobriety y'all)

Didn't attend the conference, because I live with chronic pain today, I've chosen not to rely on pain medication to do life. It sucks, but until they fix, or at least get this thing out of my back, I have limitations.

I have a child to care for, which means I must take care of myself FIRST. That's so hard for a mama of Greek origin to do. I have whined, bitched, felt sorry for myself. pouted, cried (no, I think it was a fake cry) over this conference.

Last night I finally turned it over.
My Sponsor Robyn and I took Mer-boy and her Nephew Frankie to see a movie.
Yes I wet my pants, but that's OK, we weren't far from home.

I let go of my expectations of going to the conference, let go of my expectations I can do everything I used to do. I cannot, not today, not yet, maybe never...but tomorrow is not reality.

I know when someone is doing this deal, because I see it in their actions.
We get sober and grow up, not get sober and live off others generosity or love, money or guilt.
We come in and do this deal and start helping others to stay sober.
It stops being all about me, me, me, me.

That's when the real miracles begin.

We give from our heart, our time, love, money, effort, whatever it takes to help another get on their feet.
We offer jobs, open our homes, lose sleep.

We stop the bullshit.

ICYPAA represents a year of hard work on the part of so many people who live this program.
Committee meetings twice a month, "Earth People" don't understand the challenge of getting something like this organized by recovering Alcoholics.
It's dedication and commitment unsurpassed by any other group of young people I've ever seen.

Sitting in the ICYPAA committee meetings, listening to young people I watched grow up, organize and tweak this event into something of International proportions...was nothing short of miraculous. I'm proud of them, proud of James B., Taryn G., and every single Service Chair, Volunteer, etc.

I'm grateful I'm a sober member of "a certain non specific 12 step program".
I was there in spirit you guys...all the way!

Pam Tinsley

Pam Tinsley was my best friend.
She was the first and maybe the last.
Pam was gone from my life three days before my mother's suicide.

Pamela Dawn Tinsley is an Oklahoma Cold Case.
Whoever wrote this knew nothing about Pam. NOTHING.

I remember how I quit listening to music back then, and never really started again.
Pam's murder, and we all knew it, was followed six months later by the murder of my boyfriend...over pot. Stabbed with a screwdriver over fucking pot.

We were all idiots. Why I'm still here I don't know.

Pam and I met when I was 16 and she was 14 and hated each other immediately.
We were the tough bitches, the freaks. Pam in her biker jacket, me with my crazy voodoo wannabe shit. (I used to wear a crows foot around my neck with the toe nails painted red) Pam thought I was cool, and I thought Pam was beautiful inside...most people never saw past her boobs. Guys wanted them, girls hated her.

We were best friends before the night was over. Pam accepted me like no one ever did, or has since. We drank, got drunk, screwed around a lot...we were invincible.

Pam was smoking weed, I however would forget my name, so I started pretending to  hit it when it came my way..."Drugs" scared me. One time Pam had to babysit me for two days after smoking something laced...calling my dad for me, who was so awesomely cool he just said "Honey I'm disappointed in your choices, but I love you no matter what...drink lots of orange juice" (I miss my dad)

We tried to get Pam to move into my parents house with us to no avail. Her home life was bad. The only reason she wouldn't leave was because of the car, she wanted the car to drive. One time she punched her dad in the face for calling her a whore. I would've also.

The Cold Case story paints a picture of a woman that just wasn't Pam. Pam would go anywhere with anyone for anything. That was just Pam. If it involved getting high, she was in.

I wasn't a bit surprised over what happened, just amazed it hadn't happened sooner. Three days before Pam "Disappeared" she came down and met me at a local arcade "Video Zone", and we sat in the parking lot in her car talking for an hour, taking Polaroid pictures of each other wearing these sunglasses she just bought, being goofy kids again. Not knowing the tragedy that lay ahead for us in the coming week.

A few years after all this, I started fooling around with one of the OKC police officers who responded to the call...(until I found out he was freakin married. Dork.) While we were "Hanging out" he told me they knew absolutely nothing about the case other than what we knew...Pam literally vanished into the Oklahoma dusk.

Twenty-two-years later anonymous calls start coming in...22 yrs later, I still run into people from back in the day who ask "Did they ever find Pam?" Where Pam was I was, and vice verse, that's just how it was when you were best friends.

I've tried over the years to get close to women, to let them in, to "Bond"...but it's that fear in the back of my skull, the ache in my heart, the loss of mother, daughter, friend, that keeps me from opening my heart. The pain, once you've walked through it is so real...you don't ever want to feel it again.

I remember sitting through my mother's memorial service six days after Pam disappeared, when they played "Amazing Grace" I somehow knew Pam was gone for good too.

I think it's only human nature to protect oneself from the flame of loss. I don't know how to get past it, and I so wish I could.

Whoever is trying to make peace with themselves over Pam, just do it and get on with your life. Chances are, knowing Pam, it wasn't your fault.

She was just beautifully broken inside.

High Speed Chase NOT Caught on Film By Apostol

I was right in the middle of the end of this high speed chase last night.
Twelve police units had NW Classen blocked from 36th st. to 30th, one fire engine, two EMSA's ...and I didn't have a camera.
SUCKETH!

I'm pretty sure this is a sign I should forgo all mortgage payments and buy a baby of some type.
See what my thinking is like?
See?
K.