Pam Tinsley

Pam Tinsley was my best friend.
She was the first and maybe the last.
Pam was gone from my life three days before my mother's suicide.

Pamela Dawn Tinsley is an Oklahoma Cold Case.
Whoever wrote this knew nothing about Pam. NOTHING.

I remember how I quit listening to music back then, and never really started again.
Pam's murder, and we all knew it, was followed six months later by the murder of my boyfriend...over pot. Stabbed with a screwdriver over fucking pot.

We were all idiots. Why I'm still here I don't know.

Pam and I met when I was 16 and she was 14 and hated each other immediately.
We were the tough bitches, the freaks. Pam in her biker jacket, me with my crazy voodoo wannabe shit. (I used to wear a crows foot around my neck with the toe nails painted red) Pam thought I was cool, and I thought Pam was beautiful inside...most people never saw past her boobs. Guys wanted them, girls hated her.

We were best friends before the night was over. Pam accepted me like no one ever did, or has since. We drank, got drunk, screwed around a lot...we were invincible.

Pam was smoking weed, I however would forget my name, so I started pretending to  hit it when it came my way..."Drugs" scared me. One time Pam had to babysit me for two days after smoking something laced...calling my dad for me, who was so awesomely cool he just said "Honey I'm disappointed in your choices, but I love you no matter what...drink lots of orange juice" (I miss my dad)

We tried to get Pam to move into my parents house with us to no avail. Her home life was bad. The only reason she wouldn't leave was because of the car, she wanted the car to drive. One time she punched her dad in the face for calling her a whore. I would've also.

The Cold Case story paints a picture of a woman that just wasn't Pam. Pam would go anywhere with anyone for anything. That was just Pam. If it involved getting high, she was in.

I wasn't a bit surprised over what happened, just amazed it hadn't happened sooner. Three days before Pam "Disappeared" she came down and met me at a local arcade "Video Zone", and we sat in the parking lot in her car talking for an hour, taking Polaroid pictures of each other wearing these sunglasses she just bought, being goofy kids again. Not knowing the tragedy that lay ahead for us in the coming week.

A few years after all this, I started fooling around with one of the OKC police officers who responded to the call...(until I found out he was freakin married. Dork.) While we were "Hanging out" he told me they knew absolutely nothing about the case other than what we knew...Pam literally vanished into the Oklahoma dusk.

Twenty-two-years later anonymous calls start coming in...22 yrs later, I still run into people from back in the day who ask "Did they ever find Pam?" Where Pam was I was, and vice verse, that's just how it was when you were best friends.

I've tried over the years to get close to women, to let them in, to "Bond"...but it's that fear in the back of my skull, the ache in my heart, the loss of mother, daughter, friend, that keeps me from opening my heart. The pain, once you've walked through it is so real...you don't ever want to feel it again.

I remember sitting through my mother's memorial service six days after Pam disappeared, when they played "Amazing Grace" I somehow knew Pam was gone for good too.

I think it's only human nature to protect oneself from the flame of loss. I don't know how to get past it, and I so wish I could.

Whoever is trying to make peace with themselves over Pam, just do it and get on with your life. Chances are, knowing Pam, it wasn't your fault.

She was just beautifully broken inside.

Comments

[Apostol Apostolopoulos]

First Amendment all the way brother! (keep in mind I have the "Freedom" to delete your comments, and have chosen not to.)
Which 12-step program are you speaking of Mike, there are many?
The ones I know of speak of Honesty, Open mindedness, and Willingness.
Thanks for CONTINUING to read!

[mike]

If you new Pam you would no the mans name that she was living with at the time of her disapperance. You would no the mans name that she was truly in love with and you would no who I am Mike my last name has something to do with the days of the week. Instead you bring up Tarzan a guy that quit being around this group back around 83 and yes Pam did get on the back of a motorcycle that day with a stranger it was 1986 we all did things that way it was called dating not all of us weighed 300 pounds and were scared of our own shadow.Yes this is the internet and you do have freedom of speach but that freedom does not give you the right to speak half truths or lies does'nt that go against your 12 step program.

[mike]

you talk about meeting Pam at a local video place called the video zone she never hung out at a video zone in edmond because there was no such place we used to hang out at a pool hall that was named after one of our very good friends. if you want attention this bad please find it somewhere else Pam was a good friend of mine and I hate to see people say things about her thats not true Pam loved her dad she work for him for years along with her brother throwing papers so saying that she was scared that her dad was going to take her car away is nothing but lies. Please find somewhere else to boost your ego.

[mike]

lady you must of realy screwed yourself up on them drugs because you have definetly goty Pam Tinsley mixed up with some one else.