The 13th Apostol

Robbers Cave Advance (because Unitarians don't like the word "Retreat")

At church this morning I made the life sucking commitment to go on the retreat next weekend. (and lil' Mer will be pushing me in my wheelchair with "Mudders" on it)

There's no way I can do this, but I'm praying for a "Miracle"...Oh, wait...I don't believe in those. How 'bout an illegal shipment of Mexican Pharmaceuticals? More realistic at this juncture.

I'm afraid that wont work either, I can't see Mer visiting me in the joint.
Not so I can take him on a "Church Advance".

We couldn't go last year because I was afraid to drive on the medication I'd just been so rudely switched to overnight. Hallucinations don't make good bed fellows with long road trips.
Year before last I was working, and before that, and before that.
So before Mer is in COLLEGE, I'd like him to experience our fellowships retreat.

Maybe I'll tie a bow on him with a note that reads: "Lost little U.U. - if found, please return to Robbers Cave asap" and kick him out at on the steps of the Sanctuary Friday afternoon...

Now, THAT just might work.

Have I mentioned I hate Doctors?
Especially ones I was engaged too...No, that ones a resentment, not hatred...the rest I just hate.

I'm out of patients, get it, patients.

Oh Christ, I've lost my sense of humor along with my bladder control.

Pro-Active Health Care is a Myth

After completely giving up on "Bill" and spending the majority of the week in the supine position, I've come to a place of frustration with the medical profession and my body even dynamite wont fix.

Limits of sporadic moments sitting at this computer, driving, being "Sybil" to Mer...it's not an acceptable way to live. Being treated like a criminal while fighting for health care is bullshit. I'm not alone.

The problem is the laws in this country, the individuals who abuse the health care system. (the true criminals don't use the health care system, they use the Internet. Duh)

We write our Legislators, join forums to support each other, trying to be pro-active in our health care. When are people living with chronic pain going to be treated with respect and not suspect?

Imagine having a "Headache" from the middle of your back all the way down both legs that doesn't ever stop. Eventually you cannot think straight, make decisions about anything past the next five minutes.
No promises to your children, because you don't want to let them down again.

Everything is calculated the best you can. Steps to the store entrance, which store, time of day you might be able to go, will you be able to get your child to school, Cub Scouts, their Dr. appointment, get the laundry done...blah, blah, blah.

You're held hostage in a body that refuses to let you go, then held hostage by the medical profession. This isn't my first stupid rodeo, I've been living this way for the last 15 years. I inherited my fathers back, and it's progressively deteriorated as I've gotten older.

I know all the tricks. Visualization techniques, deep breathing, used to do yoga, used to walk, used to do a lot of things (yeah I'm venting)
I've had acupuncture, steroid injections, seen a Chiropractor, changed my diet, lost weight and kept it off.

Does the above sound like a criminal, or someone trying to feel better?
I'm so pissed by how I was spoken to by a P.A. on Friday, I don't know how to handle it yet so I'm not doing anything.

She was condescending, shaming, humiliating, and wrong. She was also uneducated and misinformed regarding pain management. I left there in more pain from her battering than I arrived in. Does she speak to Cancer patients like this?

Chronic intractable pain is managable, but the medical profession has to communicate with their patients. All we want is free from the darkness, and that doesn't mean being doped up out of our minds.

I don't know where this woman crawled out from under, but she needs to do her homework, she needs to shut her mouth and HEAR what her patients are saying, before she passes judgment on them.

No one who has been free from the fog of being over medicated would ever want to go back. It's just as bad as the darkness of pain.

All a Physician has to do is communicate, give and take with the patient to achieve this. I've had ONE in my life. A tiny Pakistani woman who believed I knew my body better than a text book knew it. Believed in a combination of Holistic and Western healing. We worked together as a team, when she moved her practice to Arizona, I began getting passed from one resident to another.

My life has slowly decreased in quality ever since, and there's not a fucking thing I can do to stop it.

They want to start cutting on my back now. Knowing nothing about my life and the small child who's only support is ME. Brilliant! Let's dare not look at the more realistic options like COMMUNICATING WITH YOUR PATIENT to find a less invasive alternative.

I will address the treatment I received on Friday with my insurance carrier. It will not happen again. They don't pay for me to see some idiot, they pay for me to see my Primary Care Physician. Someone I thought might know his shit...if I can get care directly proportionate to my condition, and not someones "Label".

I'm tired you guys, hope is fading fast, and right around the corner is winter.
If you live with Chronic pain, you know what I'm talking about.

Think "Happy Thoughts" for Apostol...and if you do happen to have spare explosives, you know my email.

...and no, venting did not help, but thanks for letting me whine : )

Bill Gates Bitch

My Big Fat Greek Mouth, has overloaded my Big Fat Greek Ass yet once again...
"Suuuure I can handle "Web Articles", noooo problem, don't sweat it, take a load off, rest assured, easy does it" and on, and on, and on.

I cannot handle "Web Articles", something I'm almost certain Mer could do in his sleep...but no, I KNOW EVERYTHING!

The really sad part is I know people, several at First Church who, being good Unitarians, would question me ceaselessly, then invent some variable of the Internet "Equation". Convincing me it would solve world hunger and global warming at the same time.

Yet being a "Greek Gone Bad" (AKA leaving the Orthodoxy), I am physically, unable to pick up the phone and ask for that word beginning in "H". While habanera's are my favorite fruit, that's not the "H" I'm speaking of.

Dare anyone believe I do not KNOW EVERYTHING (cough), for survival of the fittest has nothing to do with what's in your bank account (thank God). Survival of the fittest is OBVIOUSLY in reference to whom is the better poker player. Duh?

The client is unfortunately a friend of mine, which in Greece would mean she would have all authority to cut off my ear if I can't get her website done by deadline.

I like my ear, I wear glasses at times quite necessary.
Driving, viewing small print, finding the bathroom at night.
My ear is a nice accoutrement to my other ear.

"Web Articles" = I am now Bill Gates Bitch.
Microsoft is like a car with five wheels...
Where is the God Ubuntu when I need him?

Match.com vs. My 3rd Broken RED Mr. Coffee Coffee Maker

 Let's just put it this way...unless you desire your inbox slammed to pieces, DO NOT give your email address to Match.com.

See my friend Jeanne, who happens to also be my Dentist and is on Faculty at O.U., recently met the man of her dreams there. Until then I was utterly convinced it was another "Take your money Net scam".

Jeanne is goo ga over this guy, the feelings are mutual and I couldn't be happier for both of them (unless of course she relocates and takes my mouth with her)...

Ah love...it makes me break out in hives. Nonetheless, I'm not getting any younger, have intentionally spent the last six years alone, going to school, raising Mer, buying a home, all the things people do as...you know, couples. If I continue at this rate, Mer will be an orphan.

One human being cannot do it all...or can they?

I have a meeting in an hour, woke up to my 3rd broken RED Mr Coffee Coffee Maker, flew out the door at 6 AM leaving a sleeping Mer in a house with 32 candles lit, began to focus about the time I pulled into the Starbuck's drive-thru, ordered two Vente quad Pumpkin Spice latte's (because I was asleep that's why), slammed one on the way home, clamored in the house to rouse Mer, was spiking his hair as he brushed his teeth, shoved a piece of toast in his mouth on the way out the door to school, came home hit the shower, made my 9 AM by the skin of my teeth, back to my office to try and get Apple Care on the phone (which I don't have the patience to wait for)
something sparkly caught my eye and it was all over...

After my meeting I'm strapping explosives to me, taking my 3rd broken RED Mr Coffee Coffee Maker back to Target with a note of my demands:

"Dear Customer Service - In adding up the amount of money put forth towards my previous Mr. Coffee purchases over the last 18 months, I have concluded a nice "Bunn" would be an adequate exchange. Given the level of duress and undue anxiety placed upon me by the choices in merchandise you offer customers.
Therefore, given my extremely unstable, painful condition, a direct result of Target and it's retail options...effective immediately this RED Mr. Coffee Coffee Maker will be exchanged for this (hold up Bunn) exceptional quality Bunn.

Sincerely,
a valued Target Customer"

See, that's so simple.
Maybe I'm not ready for a relationship. 

East Side Living is a Choice

I have to stop reading the daily...it just pisses me off.
This mornings article on East Side housing problems here brings to light the fact people don't have to stay where they are.

Literally or metaphorically.
It, like everything else in life is a choice.

I know too Ken. I lived there.
One year was all it took, living in crack infested Project housing, for me to know I had to make better choices in life.
For myself, for my son.

From The Projects to The Hood, I fought my way out.
I wrote letters, I put on my "Happy Face", I got an education.
Driving miles and miles each day, leaving Mer in state sanctioned Day Care facilities to be yelled at and tormented by anyone who could "Fill the position".

Do you know why people stay on that side of town?
Because they want to.
Crime rates are up everywhere, even where I live now, it doesn't matter.

We make choices every day, choices affecting tomorrow.
We max out our plastic and live in slavery, we hit Remington in the hopes of magical fixes to our "Problems".

If you have a problem money can fix you don't have a problem,
you have a consequence.

"Criminal Minds"

Holy Mother of Disabled American Vets, what is going ON?

In a Daily headline here urging ex-felons to vote (dig, dig, dig) I'm reminded of the gentleman I know who, due to a severe case of Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, began drinking again to self medicate...the drinking lead to "Criminal Minds" (Hot young profiler in Cardigan w/ heat on hip)
One thing lead to another, and he was eventually stripped of his Social Security Disability Rights.

Rights which enable this man to function, seek adequate medical treatment, keep a roof over his head, get his meds, AND stay off the corner of 39th and I-40 as a professional sign flier, eh hem.

We want the convicted felons to vote, but we don't want our disabled vets to have appropriate care. Well...OK.

God Bless The Queen!

Hope

For the first time in many, many years I feel like medically I'm in the hands of a Pit Bull.
A Pit Bull who wont just let me wither away into nothingness again.



I went to see my beloved "Allen" the Pharmacist, another one of my Pit Bulls in waiting.
We have this "Deal" he and I (God everyone wants "Deals")

He's allowed to call me on my shit, and I'm allowed to follow him to his residence with a .380 automatic...or listen, which might be the lesser of two evils in the long run.

My Pit Bull Doc seems to think highly of the practice of medicine, as opposed to his own ego. Something I certainly can't relate to, but I hear Christian Martyrs can.

Care is a strange thing, after so many months in pain, once I got to the point of utterly giving up on anyone giving a crap about the person and not the "Diagnosis"... I found a place of strength and acceptance which allowed the choppy tides to turn.

Whether or not surgery will be a viable option with my "Life Circumstances" (barf), I still don't know. What I do know is my head is starting to clear again, and even though I'm worn out from spending so many months in pain...

I have hope again.
Who said Pit Bulls were all bad?

Once Again...Oklahoma Judicial System Proves Moronic.

In a story reported here by the Daily OK, an Attorney, one Steve Liles is now "Barred for Life" for falling in love, having a child out of wedlock while married to another woman. Actions transpiring over a 23 year period.

"Scandalous"reports of misconduct related to Mr. Liles then secretary, one Dawn Lukasik, who informed Mr. Liles years later...lo and freakin behold "Baby, you have a son from our little love fest...but sweet cheeks he's in prison now" (bat, bat, bat)

Thereby Mr. Liles and Ms. Lukasik (who had developed a nasty little meth addiction at some point) spent time, money and effort to reacquaint Mr Liles with his incarcerated son.

The rats.

At Mr. Liles disciplinary hearing last year, he stated "I was plain stupid. I wasn't thinking straight.”

He also said last year he was "regretful, remorseful and extremely sorry” for his mistakes. He said, "The issue is: Did I do things that I shouldn't have done? Absolutely.”

Mr. Liles has reimbursed the courts for false travel expenses, false expenses related to office remodeling, allegedly done by Ms. Meth, er Lukasik...of over $4,000, the dudes at the very least attempting to rectify his situation with the Bar, unlike SOME Attorneys we know.

Ms. Lukasik eventually went to prison in '05 on meth related charges after admitting she had a problem (no shit) , Mr Liles divorced his wife in 2006, and married Ms. Lukasik upon her release from prison last year.

Sooo, WHAT? I mean we have these guys here, pulling heir drunkalog and they'll get a slap on the wrist, we have Judges with sex toys under their bench (Oh yeah baby)...

and Liles is disbarred for LIFE? Oklahoma just plain ROCKS the judicial system.

June 21st vs. Sept.15th news story here on Child neglect charges...

I feel safe, don't you?

"Photo Opps" or "Why I'm Always Late For Carpool"

The Difference Between Myself and my NEWLY Pregnant Friend, as Chronicled in Email Transactions

 

On Sep 14, 2008, at 5:14 AM,

How ya feelin mama?
I sure miss you.
((love's the baby feet))

Love you,
Apostol

  "Blankety-Blank-Blank" wrote: I'm feeling good!! Get tired really easily. Haven"t been sick once. Thank you God!!! We go back this Friday for another vaginal ultrasound. I'll be 8 1/2 weeks.

How are you sweet pea? You are volunteering a lot. I miss u too.  

 

On Sep 14, 2008, at 3:16,PM

  Hell, yes...you just wait mama...
Ten years from now...Oh hell at this rate I'll be dead ten years from now...
but in case I'm not, I want you to push me in my wheel chair, the one I'm in because of repeated massive grand mals from all the fucking commitments I make to ensure the little ingrate doesn't end up like me.

They're so cute before they learn to bitch-slap your ass and say "No MOTHER, I'm doing Webelos ( plus camp outs), Chess Club, Honors Art, Honors Choir, AND Honors Strings...so suck it up"

Other than that, it's OK...really.

(Psssst "Duct tape" shhhh)

I never got sick with...uhhh, Mer, yeah, Mer, never not once.

Remodeled the entire two story, five bed house in Lakehurst during my first and second Tri, was in the process of putting a new roof on when Mer arrived.
 

Coulda been all the crank I was doing, but I think it was just a serious case of "Nesting Girls Gone Wild" (you can order a copy on Blue Light Forums)

Love you,
The guilt riddled Greek mama
Apostol