The 13th Apostol

Thanksgiving...Duh

If you have in-laws, and they want you in their life - even if it's to tell you what a complete loser you are - be thankful for them today.

If you have old friends, and they want you in their life - even if it's to rub your nose in their new, latest, material thing - be thankful for them today.

If you have children, and they want you in their life - even if it's just to appease your neurosis another year - be thankful for them today.

If you have this you are lucky - if you have more than this you are blessed beyond your wildest dreams.

The people we take for granted, because of busy lives, old hurts, new fears, are the very people who will love us when no one else will.
So as you're sitting around the table, helping at the homeless shelter, gearing up to spend money you know you don't have to spend...

Take a moment to consider what your life would be like without the people you give the power to cause you the most grief.

...and be Thankful.

Of Brothers and Devils

What if the words never flow again?
This is not how I pictured it ending.

Nothing is there, and the fear that it too has been stolen from my heart...
only makes the words run farther.

I had a brother once. He took my joy and put a price tag on it.
Well...how 'bout that?

Dog IS my Co-Pilot!

I went to a wonderfully therapeutic retreat in Leflore County Ok. that's brought back the theory of the Primal Scream in direct conjunction with embracement of nature.

Here are a few of the wonderful places where I stood and screamed in order to vent and release. Also I let the guides at this getaway/retreat know of my fear of dogs, especially great big dogs.

Therefore, they arranged for me a way to overcome my fear and I took some pictures of these powerful dogs because I suddenly realized that dog is my copilot.

Richard Dawkins Will be in Poteau, Ok. Nov. 22-23

Senility or Faith

...and on my way to that *Maverick* group on the Highway North last night, I saw the first falling star I've seen in years.

When you get to that point in your life, when you realize you have absolutely nothing left to wish for and your mind is scrambling just to come up with something...that's either senility or faith.

To no longer need a dissection of the Universe to believe in the flow of good. To allow the collective unconscious to be a positive...man, that's not a baby step, that's a freakin' leap.

Cycles

"Strong Woman" vs. "Self Will"...where do you draw the line?

Alone in this world raising a child, things get muddied...
I knew a woman with a gambling problem who was the Treasurer of her Book Club...she stole a great deal of money over the period of several years.

I admire this woman for many reasons, even the theft. She was in a tremendous amount of pain from multiple losses in a short amount of time. Doing anything she could to stay alive long enough to deal with the pain and loss.

Too many people cannot handle the pain, and choose to exit stage left.

Human beings are not hard wired to take hit after hit and be happy, joyous and free...it doesn't work that way, no one is exempt from getting inadvertently stuck in the the cycle of grief.

To recognize the fact one is stuck, takes self examination. Self examination takes courage. Courage means facing fears. Facing fears takes faith in something greater than you.

Last night for the first time since the loss of my daughter, I recognized I was stuck in the cycle of grief. I've been participating in a workshop for the last five weeks...started back in theeeerapy over the summer, and finally after almost nine years it clicked.

It's where my sense of humor went, it's where my art went, it's where my ability to get close to people went, it's where everything that had meaning in my life minus Mer, went. It wasn't fear, it was/is grief and loss.

You may be saying "No shit?" but when the pain is so enormous, the losses come one after another, hit after hit...remember Psych 101...we shut down the hard drive to stay alive. Self preservation at any cost is instinctual.

I don't have the ability to change myself...I can take action, I can do things differently, but I can't change myself. I learned this lesson a long time ago. The lesson I haven't learned is allowing myself to be manipulated out of fear and guilt over the past.

I habitually choose people who harm me to reach out to, and that has to stop now. As children of God we stand on our feet, we don't crawl before anyone.

"Strong Woman vs. Self Will"...where do you draw the line?

Playground Mentality in Aframerica

Mer made me promise him to wake him up after the results were in.
He went to sleep sad because we live in a state that thought things should stay the same.
When I woke him he said "Mom, we live in Aframerica now!"

Mad TV aside, baby boy I sure hope so.
How many single white "Welfare Mama's" sat in front of the TV last night with their ten-year-old son, praying for a Leader to make their lives visible, valuable, accessible, worthy of qualified child care, health care...the ability to make changes?

I don't know the answer, but I believe with all my heart President Obama (if some whack job doesn't take him out first) will show us the way home.

I believe with all my heart President Obama will make a better country for all of us if we work together. If we work WITH each other and not AGAINST each other anymore.

The division in this country over the last twenty years is apparent everywhere I go. The lack of support, the depression, the "addictions" (man that worn get thrown around) we as a society use to tolerate the intolerable.

The lack of honesty, personal accountability, professional cohering, I'm-bigger-than-you-so-I'm-gonna-bully-your-ass-into-doing-what-I-want playground mentality.

When did we become so openly able to attack other human beings and not be held liable? Just, you know...in general?

On Saturday Mer and I went to the Baby Shower of a woman I'd never met before. She married a man I did considerable damage with many years ago. The amends I owed him has been staying OUT of his life (I also still have some of his crap, but that's another story)

When Mer was tiny, the woman who raised this man gave me his wicker rocking horse. Mer and I bought pink ribbons, attached them to the rocking horse and took it as their shower gift. Still sturdy and fully loved now by both their bottoms.

I loved this man, so much I had to step away from his life completely. It was the kindest, most loving, tolerant, patient thing I could do.

We had to quit playing God, not only with our own lives, but the lives of others. When I got to that place where I knew what was best for YOU, I wasn't looking at ME...and I fell 10 years.

Ten years is a very long way to fall, I'm still bruised in areas.

TODAY, I am grateful for the much needed changes ahead for the "Us" in "We". I don't believe "God wont give you more than you can handle"...
I believe God somehow provides you the resiliency to over come and persevere.

There ARE extremely hurt/dangerous people in this world.
Thank God I'm not one of them anymore.

Obama Mama & Mer

I officially missed the start of NaBloPoMo...let's just say I was um, "Indisposed"

I took Mer with me to see history made today, something I wouldn't have missed for anything. Either way (Obama Mama) I wanted him to be able to tell his Grandchildren about watching his mother vote in the most historical Election in history.

This is a good place to be at the moment.
Knowing I am a strong woman, how far I've come and wont stop for any mofo.

When you speak your mind, someone will try and silence you.
When you stand up, there will always be someone who wants to knock you down.

Take heed, stand clear, and follow the star in the East if you must...
but for Christ's sake be true to yourself.