The 13th Apostol

I Will Surely Pee

Why?
Why begin a new post when I may not write another one for daaaaaays?
Hmm?

I'm over the ice and slush.
Over Sigmund being MIA for months and months now.
Over Facebook and "Who's cool/who's not" (Gimme a break)

I don't want people who knew me WHEN to see how I ended up, while they're Physicians, Literary geniuses, Tenured Faculty, et-freakin-cetera.

Naaw, I don't wanna be neked as myself, while my last gasping laptop clicks out more hopeless bullshit.
I like not being me, I like being a pen in the dark.
I sleep better, drive more safely, don't walk into walls from looking over my shoulder so often.

...and the DOG, OMG, this dog is killing me with neediness.
Hell, did I really have any more to give for Christ's sake?
Oh, but I did and I do...because she's just so damned cute.

In an obnoxious don't-look-at-me-the-wrong-way-or-I-will-surely-pee way.

Dog. God.

Winter Sunset Over "Vegas"

Can You See Me Now?

On the eve of one of the most memorable events of my generation, and I mean this from a personal perspective, there is in the air a mix of New Years Eve and 4th of July.

When one combines this high intensity with the ignorant, the ones born into and educated on hatred, the ones beaten down by their own inadequacies...I am sure this nation will change, maybe not how we want though.

For the first time since I saw Barack Obama on Oprah, and I swear this is the truth, for the first time two days ago I read words so ugly, so full of anger/fear toward a man who is walking in to clean up the biggest mess possible, made in part by the biggest tyrant-spoiled brat-bully on the block.

Words on a Face book group, that once one commenting party spoke words of anger, the rest soon followed.

I read comment after comment from these kids, so young they're reading in their history books, events some of us lived through.
 So I quit reading, after commenting on their comments of course.

Gandhi said "Be the change you want to see in the world" Hmm?

When I was a prisoner of dependency, living in one bedroom of a 3800 sq ft home, unable to turn on the air conditioning to cool my child in near 100 degree heat "Because I wasn't working"...

I did a mixed media piece entitled "Can you see me now?"

I believe President Obama see's us, the single mothers, the survivors who struggle month-to-month to stay on their own away from men who will harm them.

Who will do just about anything to provide their child with a life of stability and consistency so they may thrive.

Who go to the food banks to stretch what little they have after paying all the bills and mortgage splitting it with their ninety-eight-year-old neighbor, but live a secret life of abundance.

Abundance has nothing to do with what you have in your bank account.
Ask my ninety-eight-year-old neighbor who was afraid she was going to be arrested if she voted for Obama...she did anyway.

Imagine what she's lived to see?

Why I Don't Like Writing When the Darkness Settles in

Athena's birthday is in April, as I watch this January sunset, make spaghetti, and wonder how I live in a world where total strangers could have bullied me so badly I let her go?

Am I such a bad mother I let another insecure woman allege again three months ago I was neglecting my son because (again) this woman wanted us for God? That I rolled over and took it...AGAIN?

All my life I heard "You are not good enough" in one form or another, and I set out to show them they were wrong, to this day still seeking approval from a brother who is a stranger to me. I succeeded damn near, came so very close to being one of "Those" women.

A "Lipstick Jungle" woman...but fell pathetically short.
I live in the past a lot, because the future holds so little hope for me at times.
My child is my hope and glory.
Hope and glory I'll never be a victim of domestic violence again.

I see women who have careers that seem insignificant to me, when all I ever wanted to do, even as a child was to help others somehow. To leave a mark on the world in a positive way.

I've brought nothing but shame and disgrace to what is left of my family.
Even though my father would love me in his own way as unconditionally as possible...I was a hard child to love.
My brother has never forgiven me, has disowned me.
Maybe, presented with myself I'd do likewise.

I try to get past this armour of a protective shell, letting people in, but it's too painful, too risky.

So I am alone.
Believing at this time it's best to have casual niceties with most and unconditional love for the creatures I share my home with.
This is enough I'm sure for today.

The healing gets easier with each secret told

Shame is Like Clothing

It all started out well enough, my desire to heal from the loss of my daughter through writing a blog four-years-ago.

If you go waaaay back to the beginning you can hear the sincerity in my words. Sincerity that escaped once I knew someone was actually reading them.

Somehow over time I became a one woman show. A woman who's world of denial and escapism was smaller and smaller every day, until there was none.

I've surrounded myself with no one who could hurt me, not even close.
Congeniality's aside, I let no one in.

This isn't a "By choice" place to be, but my ability to trust others is gone again.
Someone snagged the thread of trust growing within me, and pulled. Spinning me in circles as she unwound the illusion of friendship right in front of me.

I carry shame, wear it like clothing. If you could go back and make better choices wouldn't you? To make no choices but the basics are fine with me today.

Stay busy forcing bulbs under the kitchen sink.

Top 10 Reasons Why I Like My Banner Image

1. It's pretty much how I feel about the way the world works.
2. It's pretty much the way I feel about the fact I cannot change the way the world works.
3. I don't need Halloween costumes if I so choose.
4. Mer thinks it's very Greek. He is genetically hard wired not to fear me.
5. It's the face I use to show Bill Gates my undying love for him.
6. Many ex-boyfriends can testify to this fact.
7. I was once put on Halidol for expressing myself in this manner at an inappropriate time.
8. Uhh, it is a picture of me.
9. Children love me like this. (they can relate)
10. I admire the fire that motivated this artist...

Shame. Mine.

Many...MANY of my personal goals and dreams have somehow come to pass in my life, and yet I'm still one of the most negative women you'll ever meet.

I quit writing out of shame. Mine.

The only way to fulfill my greatest dream of becoming a writer is to FUCK the shame and say it how it is. How it is now, at this precise moment in the evening is OK.
Even though I chose not to follow through with many things in my life, they all involved someone else. Even though there seems no feasible way to finish my degree with Mer, and now "The Dog" whose chosen to forgo a name of her own temporarily.

She, He, It...shit.

If my attitude doesn't change I will only continue to bring negativity into my life. I'm doing all "I know" to heal from enormous losses.

My mornings will start just so, propped on my bed writing for the sun, until the flow comes back again.

I am not worm food just yet, and neither are you.
So we pull ourselves up by our boot straps and start another day.
It's OK if the kid just eats peanut butter toast for breakfast some mornings.

It's OK if the bed has dog hair all over it, who's coming to inspect your sheets?

Just do something to help another today, anyone. Remember there are many whose dreams have yet to come true, and your act of humane behavior may just be the trickle of hope they need.

That is all