I...am a rip-roaring bitch when it comes to my child.
On Sunday, the donors stupid birthday, mer decided he wanted to pick out a key-chain and give him a framed photo of his soccer pictures.
Me, being the ever-loving-never-forgetting-the idiot-hasn't-changed-in-eleven-years mother I am...said "Of course we can sweetheart.
I fell for it.
I fell for the LIE when he said "I'll be there at 6PM sharp"
No, for real, I truly believed he'd never, ever, disappoint Mer again because... it has a girlthing.
My hopes were the feminine influence would cajole said donor into following through with his commitment. We waited until almost 8pm and left. Had it not been for he young waitress, his stupid gift would've sat there as we left. Mer doing all he could to act as if he didn't care...that's why my ten-year-old cried himself to sleep that night.
I'VE TRIED DILIGENTLY TO INCLUDE "Sigmund The Sea Monster" in all of Mer' extracurricular activities. From Scoutingt to Dance, to his three week long camp at ARTWORKS. Allowing myself to be held hostage for pennies again. I've invited "SIG" and his THING on picnics, over for dinner...all for the sake of developng a relationship with mer.
The reality, and I'm hard nosed on this one, not the first time you've heard me rant about The Donor, is...he doesn't want to be a father in any way shape or form.
He finally found an ovum he could implant and that's that.
End of story.
Beginning of mine. Halelujia!
I suspect there is a finding in the letting go, although I've single handedly with no family, no Holidays but mer & I, no EXCUSE for not giving this child all I have, found a way through grace and faith in a Universe so enormous...to do it. To give his life value and meaning.
Through the school he atends, the teachers he has, the excitement of being a child. Something I didn't receive. (Being the perfect child I was)
To Hell with his father, he was never a father, and many moms reading this will undersstand. We love our babies more than life...and then there's the other halves who want a nut more than to see a picture their child drew.
I've dreampt of daddy's who would love Mer like their own, truth be known he would always be someone elses child. So I do it alone, and I do it well you sonofabitch : )
Nuff said.
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