I write...I shoot, then I write some more about what I shot...not in the last three months have I been up to par (totaled vehicle, broken body)
Today I sit (a miracle in and of its self) writing nothing extraordinary except my life in living color. "Zenith" and the NBC Peacock would be so proud.
I am finally recovering from a time when I could not get out of bed, and had to send Mer-boy to stay with friends, I cleaned my house the other day...this from a woman who knew her life was destined to be over as she knew it...and it is. My life, the life of a woman who never said "No" to any request...school functions,Scouts, Dance, Piano, etc....it's OVER.
I can only do what my body, mind and soul will allow. I'm becoming OK with these limitations, learning to ask for help when I need it, not dependent on alternative resources to achieve perfection, cause honey they don't exist.
It's the "Big Lie" that I've believed all my life, making up for the mother I never had, being raised predominately by my father...I have no clue how to be a "Good Enough" mother, except to look in my child's eyes. He tells the whole story in one glance.
If you think you'll find it in books, good luck on that amount of money...the answer lies within your child, within your heart, within those dreams of resentment and fear that you think no one else has...we ALL do, it's part of embracing motherhood.
The sacrifices are not sacrifices dear one, they are gifts beyond words...turn them around. There is no greater gift than losing a party to stay home and re-reading "Where the wild things are" or "Good night moon" for the millionth time...no greater event of joy.
I can no longer hold my 50lb child, let him run and jump into my arms...but I can love him deeply nonetheless. He deserves a fully present MOTHER...not a woman plucking her eyebrows, worrying about gray hair...he deserves ME in all my fabulous, glorious self, just as I am...
For that I am grateful and I don't need anymore freakin widgets to explain!
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