The 13th Apostol

Byron Katie's "The Work"

There are times when single parenting, such as now (Cough, hack, spew) that all one wants to do is curl up in bed with their non-existent two-year-old and cuddle, reading "Goodnight Moon", all the Nancy Wells books, and the all-time favorite "Are You My Mother?"

My baby is gone, growing into this amazingly strong, self-sufficient young man...and it's so hard, so very hard to let him go. There will be no more children for me, no more babies that smell like rose petals, no more sleepless nights...I waited too long in my grief and stonewall of the opposite sex.

I write about this now, because of the work I'm doing with Byron Katie, a 6 CD set called "Your Inner Awakening" "Katie" as she is called, speaks as though an angel took her tongue. Katie speaking of "The Work" of all the horrific pain, but in such a loving tone, almost song-like, as she requests you "Turnaround" the person, place, thing, situation that you have given your inner peace to.

My friend Laura, one of the most gentle people I've ever met, whose family (read: Brood) took Mer-boy in after my wreck turned me on to Byron Katie after gently suggesting her several times over the course of a year.

I wasn't ready until desperation, the reality of my will run rampant, and "Supermom-ism" took it's toll and I could not get out of bed. I was mentally, physically, and spiritually drained from having "Been in charge" for so many years...I wanted peace.

As I walk through my losses, feel the pain, experience the "Turnaround", a peace comes over me, physical pain is diminished, I am healing where I've never healed before.

...and I am precious.

Beautiful Ukraine Girl Tells Story With Sand & Light

Ukraine's Got Talent * Sand Animation

Vagina's and Clitoris'...Mama Has a "Him"

The words, including "Penis" make Mer-boy squirm...and honestly, in a sick, demented way...I enjoy it. (why I don't know)

"Bad Mommy"...but really, we ARE Unitarian, and Mer has attended O.W.L (Our Whole Lives) sexual education. Nary a school chum refers to their appendage as a "Penis" though...therein lies the communication gap.

Me: "Well what do you want me to call it, it's no different than your elbow?"

Mer: "I don't know, just, just, just don't CALL it anything!"

Shit, pre-teens are a pain in the ass. When they aren't glued to the Wii, or a hand held (no pun intended) they have LITERALLY nothing to say, but "I'm hungry"

If I could ship his ass off to boarding school I'd do it in a heartbeat...then within the next few heartbeats I'd miss his obnoxious retorts so badly I'd fly to Switzerland and collect Mer myself!

Those of you who have watched Mer grow from a precocious four-year-old into a HIDEOUS eleven and a HALF-year-old, know what I'm talking about.

No more snuggling in the cold of the winter to save on heating bills..."I need MY space MOM" (Oh, no he did NOT?)...but, he did, and they DO, and we MUST let them GO!

As difficult as severing that umbilicus is, our offspring don't want to hear us use words like VAGINA, CLITORIS, and the God-forbidden PENIS...

it just happens, like while were making coffee one morning everything shifts...and we have to embrace the shift, as much as it means we will forever be alone, spinsters, with 47 cats all named "Kitty"

The bright side to all this is, as they age, they become EMPLOYABLE...rendering our paychecks for such things as "Blue seven", "Toms Shoes" (more than one pair) Denali coats, J. Crew to no end...

Wake up Mama, he's eleven. K.

So a few more years and then he won't call my boyfriend "It"...

and he does. i. e. "It" tracked mud in the house, "It" made a mess in the kitchen", "It" broke one of the solar lamps along the drive"

Baby boy..."It" kept Mama warm last night, and that's ALL, because "IT" happens to care about you like "It' does "It's" own daughter...

WE...LOVE...YOU...BOTH...

Take it or leave it kid ((HUGS))

I Don't Want Anymore Freakin Widgets!

I write...I shoot, then I write some more about what I shot...not in the last three months have I been up to par (totaled vehicle, broken body)

Today I sit (a miracle in and of its self) writing nothing extraordinary except my life in living color. "Zenith" and the NBC Peacock would be so proud.

I am finally recovering from a time when I could not get out of bed, and had to send Mer-boy to stay with friends, I cleaned my house the other day...this from a woman who knew her life was destined to be over as she knew it...and it is. My life, the life of a woman who never said "No" to any request...school functions,Scouts, Dance, Piano, etc....it's OVER.

I can only do what my body, mind and soul will allow. I'm becoming OK with these limitations, learning to ask for help when I need it, not dependent on alternative resources to achieve perfection, cause honey they don't exist.

It's the "Big Lie" that I've believed all my life, making up for the mother I never had, being raised predominately by my father...I have no clue how to be a "Good Enough" mother, except to look in my child's eyes. He tells the whole story in one glance.

If you think you'll find it in books, good luck on that amount of money...the answer lies within your child, within your heart, within those dreams of resentment and fear that you think no one else has...we ALL do, it's part of embracing motherhood.

The sacrifices are not sacrifices dear one, they are gifts beyond words...turn them around. There is no greater gift than losing a party to stay home and re-reading "Where the wild things are" or "Good night moon" for the millionth time...no greater event of joy.

I can no longer hold my 50lb child, let him run and jump into my arms...but I can love him deeply nonetheless. He deserves a fully present MOTHER...not a woman plucking her eyebrows, worrying about gray hair...he deserves ME in all my fabulous, glorious self, just as I am...

For that I am grateful and I don't need anymore freakin widgets to explain!