The 13th Apostol

Chantix Interuptus

Because I'm a weenie when it comes to vomiting, (the involuntary kind) I haven't taken a Chantix for two days. I tried cutting them in half for a day, but the nausea kept reminding me of the vomiting, which made me want to puke.

I'm jealous of you successful "nonnies", and so disappointed in myself I could just puke. I have a call into my doc, but can't see me taking an antiemetic in addition to all the other pharmaceuticals I ingest to appear 'normal'. Anyway, most of them aren't actual pharmaceuticals, they're supplements. Which don't count right?

It's as if I never slowed down on smoking. If I could ground the tobacco finely enough I'd snort it. I can't get enough nicotine into my system fast enough to scratch the itch. Woke up three times last night to smoke, chewed Mer-boy's dad's head off and spateth it out for coming over and edging the yard, (it was 10p.m. y'all) and, and, and, I don't know 'and' what? 'And' anything, crap.

I have 27 days left for the new house to close, pack our lives in used liquor store boxes, come up with the money to transfer utilities - rent a U-haul, move us, AND pull a nine-year-old's birthday out of my ass. (that's 'and' what)

Maybe, I'm just sayin maybe, this wasn't an optimum time to try Chantix...maybe. Or maybe being the good addict I am, I'll try it tomorrow and it'll be different.

   

   

I'm Full of Crap (and Chantix, a drug they tested on people who smoke half as much as I do)

I don't like the way the pills make me feel, or think. My sleep is disturbed, I'm depressed...and I'm still smoking.
To be honest, I haven't felt my compulsion slow at all.
So now I'm smoking AND I feel like crap.

Do you know why I want to quit?
I want to quit because I can't afford the sonofabitches any longer, that's why.
Like any good addict, the consequences must outweigh the instant gratification of ones dope, er...smoke, CIGARETTE.

I don't have a smokers cough...yet.
I don't have emphysema...yet.
I don't have any one of the multiple smoking related cancers...yet.
I haven't burned the house down...yet.
I haven't...wait a minute, what's that smell?

Dang! I smell some rationalization goin on!
WHY, why can't I just smoke?
I gave up everything else, why can't I keep my f*ing cigarettes?

I gave up my extra cheese long coney's (3 of em) every night.
I gave up all you silly boys in my bed every night. (one at a time thank you)
I traded in my Coors light for diet coke (the sober bullet)
Then I gave up the DC for stupid bottled water.
I broke the pipes, smashed the bowls, flushed the pills, and that's all you need to KNOW about THAT...
Now you want my f*ing CIGARETTES?
I hate you.
Who are you?
Who am I?
without my shit.

Chantix is Making Me Sick...Happy Independence Day My Ass

I spent yesterday throwing up.
I get it, the pills make you so sick you can't smoke.
Haven't taken one today yet.
Hell, I'm afraid to.

Chantix Day 8...What The Hell Is WRONG With Me?

Soooo, WHEN am I going to even slow down?
Am I smoking simply because I shoud'nt be?

Little damn wildcat.

Maybe I don't want to quit? Maybe I can't imagine life with or without smoking?

MAYBE...it really is a spiritual malady.

Time for THIS addict to start praying her ass off.

I'm powerless over smoking, and my life has become unmanageable.

Twenty Six Years of Smoking...(Chantix Day 7)

I changed my quit date to July 3rd...or 4th, ya know Independence Day!
Ok, so I'm not ready, and that's all right.
The only place I seem to finish a cig, is right here at "my lover", while I'm writing or surfing.
Otherwise I can't smoke a whole short. Crazy that my "Trigger" is "My Lover"

The rain isn't helping.
Forty days and forty nights in the bible belt...Oh yeah.

Chantix update (Day 4)

There was a moment or two over the past two days, when smoking disgusted me...just for a moment though.

Yesterday afternoon I became so sick to my stomach, that Al looked at me laying on the couch and RAN to get a pan. Good boy.

No barfing, but boy, one wrong tilt of the head, and 16 oz of coffee with Coconut Cream coffee mate, would've made a lasting impression on the couch.

I dozed off, and when I came to an hour later the nausea was subsiding.
I think maybe the side effects make you want to quit even more, not to mention the sporadic aversion to cigarettes themselves.

Never in a million years would I have thought cigs would seem repulsive to me.
Like I said though, it's momentary at best.

Once it passes, I'm right back to workin' on the chain gang.

Of note: A  special thanks to the other "Quitting" Bloggers for stopping by, I'm having some trouble posting comments on Blogger.

Day 1 on Chantix (still ingesting nicotine)

Got quite a response from tagging yesterdays post with "Chantix". I'm grateful for the support, and backatcha's....no, that's not all I'm going to write about for the next 12 weeks.
I'll also write about how gigantic my ass has become sitting in front of this monitor for the last six months. I'm bigger than I've been in four years, and it's a direct result of lifestyle choices.

This computer has done what television did in the 70's, once every household had one, we became collectively, a sedentary society. Fast forward thirty plus years and were in the same boat, only the current boat has GPS.

I can sit in front of this monitor, aka "My Lover", and travel the world but never move an inch. I have the occasional bad habit of not getting up to go pee when I have the urge. This isn't a smart idea at my age (the menopausal thing), because by the time I'm up and headed to the bathroom, my blad ---what in the hell am I writing about?

I didn't read "incessant rambling at the keyboard" listed under SIDE EFFECTS...I was here, then I wasn't. How strange.
Let's redirect, shall we?

Spent the day at the pool instead of sorting or packing, but this kept my smoking down to only 4 cigarettes in a three hour period.  Course the minute we left th pool, I became Big Rig Mary, and started smoking like I had an over-night haul from Jersey to Amarillo.

Ch-Ch-Ch-Ch-Chantix, Turn and Face The Strain...

Today...I got my script of Chantix filled.
Sweet Holy Mother of Dean Martin, what have I done?
I love my cigarettes so much...why, why would I do this to my one and only truest, dearest, friend? This is the longest relationship I've ever had, me and my cigs.

Twenty-six-year-old love affair.
26. That's an accurate figure, I'm not just being my overly dramatic Greek self.
26, wow.
That's an incredibly long time to smoke 2 pks a day.
I'm currently spending over $300 a month on this addiction.

I recall when the media first started talking about smokes getting ready to hit a buck a pack, how I swore I'd quit before I paid one entire dollar for a pack of cigarettes.
I was into Cher back then, and Bette Midler had just released "The Rose"...so how serious could my young consumerist threats have been?
That's how I know who Dean Martin is...I'm old. Anyway...

I still love my cigs, but the consequences are out weighing the love, if you will.
I seriously tried to quit one time. One time in 26 years. Crazy. I was in the hospital for a week, and the Dr. put me on the patch. But when I got out and bought a box, (it was the middle of summer) they wouldn't stay on. The nicotine patches kept falling off because of the heat, (sweating) so I taped them on, but they still fell off.

Then I used some special medical supply tape, then packing tape, duct tape, a hot glue gun, a staple gun, nail gun, and finally I used a blow torch...to light a cigarette.

Hang on...
I'm back.
I have to log every cigarette I smoke for the next 24 hours, per daily assignment on the "GETQUIT" support plan. I'll have writer's cramp by noon tomorrow.
Officially, I don't start until tomorrow morning, when I take the first pill.

The instructions say keep on smoking like normal, but set a quit day seven days after the first pill.

Hang on...
I'm back.

They send you daily email support, tapering off to once a month near the end of the year-long-plan.

I'd love some feedback. If you know anyone who's taken Chantix, successfully or otherwise, let me know. Hang on...

I'm back.

Of course I want to quit for more than the financial aspects, more than just for Al, there's a mile long list of reasons to quit, the problems been the physical cravings, and spiritual malady. i.e. why I do it, the feelings it numbs, what will take it's place?

It's unavoidable step work, if I want to feel the sunlight of the spirit once again.